Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I’m still trying to make sense of things when Jake broke up with me. I have no faith in our relationship. I’m angry that we were dating for almost a year, he knew who I was, I hid nothing from him.

The day before we had had a fight. I asked him why he would want to marry someone who he had such mean things to say about. He said he loved me and that’s why he wanted to marry me, and that he couldn’t lose me.

The next day it was over. He told everyone that I was crazy and he couldn’t do it anymore.

We were going to get married September 18. I still didn’t have a ring. This is what we fought over.

He had money to buy a new gun, but he couldn’t afford the ring. I didn’t like coming second to a gun, and frankly I still don’t.

The ring was only $800.00. I say only because engagement and wedding rings can be a lot more expensive than that. We had been talking about marriage since December. This was not something that was just sprung on him.

We broke up for 5 days. In these 5 days I begged him to come back to me.

I bought books to help me be a better partner.

I prayed.

I couldn’t eat.

I refused to say anything bad about him.

I texted him things that I would change and things that I read that made me want to be better.

Things like “The deepest most heartbreaking damage you will ever do (or have done) to your relationship will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That’s because this is when your pride is strongest, your anger is hottest, you’re the most selfish and judgmental. Your words are like venom, and you make the worst decisions. A great relationship on Monday can start driving off the cliff on Tuesday if unbridled conflict takes over and neither of you has your foot on the breaks.”

In these 5 days he bought his gun and went shooting with his friends. He started drinking again. He went to a bar to judge a tattoo contest. And he told everyone that the reason we broke up was because of me. “She’s crazy.”

My begging and persuading paid off and on June 20 we got back together. I made a list of things that I needed from him if he wanted to be in a relationship with me. I told him that if we were going to do this that we both needed to want it 100%. It took me about 30 minutes to convince him that I would be the person he wanted me to be.

I changed. I try everyday to do better.

He does not.

In these 3 weeks he has been lazy, uninterested, and crabby. I feel like he thinks he has all of the control and he can do what he wants because he has all of the power.

We agreed that we wouldn’t get married until we can do it in the Temple. I really felt that way when we agreed on this, but now I’m not so sure.

I feel like we are going backwards.

I can feel that he dosen't want to be here but he promises that he is 100% in this.

I have a feeling I need to trust my gut... and my gut says to run...

No comments: