Touché

((ACTUAL POSTING FROM CRAIG'S LIST))

To the woman that crapped in my car… ( NE Portland )

We met on Craig's List so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.
I await your call, Tad

P.S. - If you crap yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…


** I personally have not been able to confirm if this is real or not, but funny none the less.

New Burger King Add?

35

I will be 35 in August. 35 is a hard one for me to swallow. I notice the gray hair coming in, I notice the crow's feet around my eyes, the boobs aren't what they were in my early 20's (breastfeeding 4 very hungry children hasn't helped much either), my body is shot to hell, and I'm divorced living with my parents. Not exactly where I thought I would be at 35.



Age never bothered me until now.



I've learned a lot in my 30's. I have a great job that I truly appreciate. I didn't always have a great job. Before working at my current job, I worked for a company that was awful. The owners were/are hateful and abusive people. It was a small company owned by a husband and wife, the husband wasn't as bad as the wife – but it was awful. Phones were thrown against walls when they would get mad, you would get calls at all hours of the day and night. They would have marital arguments in front of everyone, and would yell at anyone who got in their way. No paid leave, no holiday pay, no health insurance. Never a thank you, never appreciation – DRAMA. DRAMA. DRAMA. It ended badly, very badly. It was owned by someone I had been friends with sine I was 15. Needless to say neither of us have any desire to rekindle any kind of relationship with each other.



Our friendship was always a dysfunctional one. I was the one who would follow everything she did, hang of everything she said, because for some stupid reason I really thought she was better than me. I'm grateful for that experience because it showed me that it's ok to walk away from things that are toxic in your life. It's ok to say enough, and that I'm worth more than this. You teach people how to treat you, and I've learned to respect myself and to have boundaries. And ultimately it is ok to stick up for yourself. I'm sad that it ended the way it did. However;I'm not sad it ended.



My current job has been the best thing for me, and believe it was divine intervention. I was at a place in my life that I needed kindness and friendship more than I ever had before. I'm making $5.00 more an hour than I did working for the other company, I have 120 hours of paid leave a year, the heath insurance is great, and I get paid for all major holidays. For the first time in my life I'm drama free.



Sometimes it is so easy to look at all of the negative things in life and dwell, scratch, nag and sometimes cry - on those. I tend to rip myself apart over things that really are beyond my control. The grey hair is because I'm getting older and that's what happens. The body… it is what it is… but this body has allowed me to make four healthy kids. Pregnancy was very kind to me with no complications. Birth was easy, my babies were fairly easy – and I have my body to thank for the four most wonderful things in my life. I married the wrong person, hence the divorce. Lesson Learned. And I'm living with my parents so I can be financially secure by the end of the year.



Not too shabby for 35 years old.

Zumba

Dear Zumba class,

If I would have known that this class was a Salsa dancing workout - and it sure did give me a workout - I might have reconsidered attending. This might have been easier for me 15 years and 50 pounds ago... needless to say I felt out of place. My hips haven't moved. period. in the last few years, and they haven't moved like that since the night I got pregnant with my last child. I just couldn't keep up. I'm not a dancer, and proved tonight that I have very little rhythm.

There was so much hoping and jumping around that I had to concentrate really hard not to wet myself. I'm thinking I looked much like the woman in the white tank top and black sweat pants. She has an expression on her face that reads, "Oh crap". That was me the entire time. I couldn't see the instructor very well, because unlike the woman in the the picture, I stood in the back of the room. (this picture was not from my class, I found it on the internet)

I got distracted. I couldn't stop looking a the woman in the pink crochet hat. I understand that the hat matched perfectly with the bright pink shirt she was wearing, that accentuated the boobs her husband just purchased... but come on... the hat needed to go. I kept watching, waiting for it to fall off. I have to hand it to her because it never did. She did however know how to move her very small -no fat on them- hips, and that simple fact got me feeling even more self conscious. She had to be at least 10 years older than me, but had the moves of someone 20 years younger.

There was the girl next to the pink hat lady. I could tell she was a dancer and I watched her for a long time. She was good, and she thought so too. She was mesmerized by her reflection in the mirror. At one point I thought that maybe we all should leave so she could have some time alone with herself.

There were the 2 Middle Eastern women. They were wearing their headdresses and I couldn't figure out how they kept it on so tight. They were getting so into the music that one of them accidentally kicked the lady standing next to me, but the headdress didn't budge. Impressive.

And then there was the girl with the butt sweat. For the rest of the class I was worried that I too had butt sweat, and that everyone could see it. I was thinking about this so much, that at one point I forgot to turn around when everyone else did, and then all of a sudden everyone was facing me. So I waved.

Thank you Zumba for the most entertaining hour I've had in a long time. I don't think I'll be coming back, but it was $5.00 well spent.

Yours truly,
Laurie