I was talking to this guy at work today that I've had a secret crush on for about a year. And the only thing I could think of the entire 45 minutes we were talking was how bad I need to wax my eyebrows and mustache… do I look really fat sitting here on this bench…I wish I wouldn’t have taken my normal shoes off and put this pair on because they don’t match with this skirt (my boots were hurting my feet)…
Do men really notice these things? We are just friends, and I’m sure he wasn’t looking at me as a woman anyway. We were talking about divorce (he is as well and has 2 daughters), dating, kids, how to balance it all. No flirting - and I was still worried about it. (Not that I would recognize it if someone was flirting with me, I’m oblivious to that kind of stuff ).
The thing that really bugs me about this, is that I actually like who I am. I can carry an intelligent conversation, I’m funny, independent, a good mom, a good friend, and I love and appreciate my family. I may not be happy with my outer appearance but the inside is where the greatness lies. I’m a big girl…I like food… but I also like who I am. I wish I was thin, but I don’t wish I was dead – something that I couldn’t say 3 years ago. I like myself for the first time in 33 years. It was a long road, but I’m finally here.
I sometimes wonder if this is why I have no desire to date. I’m happy to sit at home with my 4 wonderfully sweet kids and watch movies. I’m content. I like where my life is headed. BUT; if I happen to stumble into a man who likes his ladies on the plump side, and is going to want to be a part of my family for eternity, then I will marry him in an instant… Until then it’s just me and you kids.