Monday, April 18, 2011

It's because life is pretty darn good

I love being married! We have only been married for 2 1/2 months and it feels like forever - in a really good way.

The only way I know how to explain it is when you have a baby it feels like the baby has always been a part of your family and you can't remember what it was like before they were born.

That's how it feels with Wade.

I never knew that marriage and life could be this happy.

It has been a little hard for my kids having to share me with someone else. They have never been around me in a normal healthy relationship and that adjustment has been weird for them. That sounds weird, and I really don't know how to explain it.

But I'll try.

I don't want to bad mouth my children's dad, but I don't think it would hurt his feelings for me to say that he and I were not good together. Ever.

We were so different, so immature, neither of us wanted to do the work to make anything better and we just wanted to blame the other person. He would agree with that statement.

We did not have a marriage where we wanted to be together. Ever. It seemed more like a chore and obligation, than a natural desire. He would agree with that statement as well. Did we have happy moments, of course we did. But the longer we were married the farther apart they were.

We fought all the time. Screamed at each other, said mean and hateful things to each other - I was just as bad as he was - and I think for a lot of the marriage we just resented each other. I know I did.

I was selfish, but I thought everything I did was for my family. Wrong. I was angry and wanted to believe that I was the perfect one and he was the problem. Wrong again.

We both contributed equally to the dysfunction and demise.

It's been long enough now that I can step outside of myself (and my pride) and admit that I probably wouldn't have wanted to be married to me either. In no way am I dismissing his part - but I can admit that I was wrong too.

Life with Wade is completely opposite.

Jack is loving having a new "Dad" and 3 new older brothers - and he loves his younger sister. Michaela loves having an older new sister - and they get along really great.

Allyson and Heidi are a little more reluctant and are still nervous that it's all going to end at some point, and that breaks my heart. They don't trust as easily as the other two, and they remember what it was like before.

I need to make sure to remind them everyday - several times a day - that Wade has not taken me from them or taken any love that I feel for them. The only thing I can do is be patient and show them that he is not leaving, and we're in it forever!

Because we are.

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